Dalma Heyn, 1992, ISBN: 0679413391

I'm not listing the title because I do review mainly children's books, but it's easy to find with the info I provided.

Author: Dalma Heyn
ISBN: 0679413391
Turtle Bay/Random House, 1992
Read August 2016

Inspired by professional and cultural literature presenting affairs as being unrelentingly horrible in outcome for married women, Heyn went out and actually talked to some (white, upperclass, privileged) women who DID have affairs, and when their thoughts and reasons clashed horribly with the literature, she took the brave step of abandoning the established "professional" truth, and simply listened and recorded what the women said, and then compared and contrasted that with psychological and sociological studies.

Basically, Heyn showed that if SOCIALLY KNOWN, (even just to the husband) having an affair was most often quite detrimental to women and their security (emotionally, physically, and fiscally) and to their standing in society, if the affair was private, the women in question often felt that this experience provided them a place to be a full, whole person, rather than the "socialized wife" that they all felt they were expected to be inside of marriage.

It was dated, but interesting, and I'd really like to see someone tackle polyamory and plural marriages, because I think some of the interesting dynamics of self-sacrifice and of being less-than a whole authentic self to make a married relationship work, and of course the idea that most men, and some women have that when married they have ownership or controlling rights over the other partner's sexuality.

Interesting read.

nonfiction photo collection: Sleeping Beauty II, Stanley B. Burns, MD

Sleeping Beauty II: Grief, Bereavement, and the Family in Memorial Photography - American and European Traditions.
Stanley B. Burns, M.D. and Elizabeth A. Burns
ISBN: 9780961295837 (ISBN not in book)
Post-mortem memorial photography from America and Europe, from the earliest photographs to the 1980s.
Read July 14, 2016

Morbid, creepy, unsettling, and really really interesting.  And sad.  A record of people desperately grasping (and paying a vast quantity of money) for a final memento of a loved one who is irrevocably and perhaps unexpectedly and quickly gone from them forever. I'm curious to see the first book.

The Storytelling Animal, Jonathan Gottschall

The Storytelling Animal; How Stories Make Us Human
Jonathan Gottschall
ISBN: 9780547391403
Read June 26, 2014
Nonfiction; imagination and story, anthropology, sociology


This is a really good read.  Gottschall pokes at biology, evolution, anthropology, ethnography, and sociology, and even a few dream studies, to give a well-rounded view of this instinct for story and creative play that all humans share.  Excellent read.

Miss Manners Minds Your Business, Judith Martin & Nicholas Ivor Martin

First book of the New Year belongs to Miss Manners!

Miss Manners Minds Your Business
Judith Martin & Nicholas Ivor Martin
ISBN: 9780393081367
Read January 2, 2014

I've long thought that Miss Manners is getting more pert and saucy as she goes along, and this book was a major confirmation of my theory.  Here, she deals with the trials and tribulations of the modern workforce, with cubicles, outdated sexist/classist "old boys" codes, and social networking snafus with wit and no small attitude of "Really?  You brought this on yourself, you know, Gentle Reader.  It's your own damn fault, but I'll do my best to help you out.  Just this once."

She pulls no punches in skewering the nasty sides of work (really not a fan of office parties and Secret Santas) and of highlighting misplaced social attitudes (gossip circles and personal TMI revelations are both sternly rebuked) of the workers.  She affirms the rights of workers to abstain from office friendships (which she considers an oxymoron) and to defend themselves from harmful or co-dependent requests from supervisors or coworkers that would have any therapist shaking their heads if originating from a loved one.

Most of all, this pointed and perfect advice is given in her trademarked (at least I hope it is) witty repartee and true knack for a devastating, yet totally innocent comment.

To avoid spoiling any of her excellent advice regarding workplaces, I'll excerpt a smidge from her introduction to the frailties of workplace friendships:

"Not all friends are friends.  Unless the boyfriend and the girlfriend provide more than friendliness, they are known as "just friends" or even "former friends."  But particular friends and special friends may have to be seated separately at dinner if they are to be able to follow the thread of the conversation without being distracted by what is going on under the table.  This is not true of anyone characterized as "an elderly friend," a phrase sometimes used as code to mean that he lost the thread of the conversation long ago.  And if you ever find yourself addressed as "my young friend," run for cover." 

A perfect way to start off the New Year.

The Witness Wore Red, Rebecca Musser & M. Bridget Cook

The Witness Wore Red: The 19th Wife Who Brought Polygamous Cult Leaders to Justice.
Rebecca Musser & M. Bridget Cook
ISBN: 9781455527854
Read November 18, 2013

Nonfiction: Memoir of Rebecca Musser's escape from the FLDS and subsequent assistance with the Yearning for Zion Ranch raid, and the trials of the pedophilia and child abuse of the church leaders.  Includes short black and white picture segment.

Powerful addition to the stories of other women who daringly escaped from the FLDS as Warren Jeffs took his father's death as the opportunity to plunge the already secretive and enabling FLDS society further into abuses and illegal behaviors.

Also a powerful reminder of the ability of humans to contort, manipulate, and "train" young, gullible, or needy people into doing things that otherwise would seem impossible breaches of basic social contracts.  Brainwashing may not be the correct term any more, but it's alive and well in communities like that.  Manipulative actions aren't limited to charismatic sociopathic child abusers, and woe betide us all if we don't learn our lessons while we can, and spot abusers before they can harm so many others around them.

The Con, James Munton and Jelita McLeod

The Con: how scams work, why you're vulnerable, and how to protect yourself
James Munton and Jelita McLeod
ISBN: 9781442207318, 2011 Rowman and Littlefield Publishers

Oh how fun!  Lots of stories (details changed to protect the innocent... ) of people falling for various types of scams and cons, lots of advice (usually pretty good: don't check your online banking on unsecured "open" wireless networks, but sometimes a little paranoid-sounding: lock your mailbox or get a PO box) on how to protect yourself, and really interesting question and answer sessions with imprisoned or reformed conners on what they were thinking about and how they chose their marks.

I think it could have been a lot more powerful if it had taken more time delving into the psychology of victims, and especially dealt with the "reloading" from the victim's perspective rather than the conners (reloading being contacting the victim of a previous scam by pretending to be law enforcement or other agencies trying to help the victim get their money back... and then scamming the poor sheep yet again).

Overall, really interesting, and information that should be part of every modern person's education.  We live in a modern world, and cons and scams are one of the most prevalent types of modern crime there is - people should be wary!

Going Solo, Eric Klinenberg

Really short version:

People have been forced throughout history to live together because of lack of resources and cultural freedom to break out on their own. 

That's changing with middle and upper-class people now, and it's a mostly good thing for individuals and for social interaction in large cities, but it can sometimes be a source of loneliness and depression for the poor, or for people stuck in suburbs or apartments with no socialization outlets. 

It especially sucks for older people, because living alone is the cat's meow until you break your hip and realize that none of your mahjongg buddies are good enough friends to cart your groceries in twice weekly, let alone cook all your meals for you, or help you go to the bathroom three times a day.

If countries would just subsidize people's desire to live alone, and also bankroll our dwindling ability to take care of ourselves when alone and old, we'd all totally be happy and live in our own personalized individualized bubbles and only interact with people in ways that we wanted and we'd all live happily ever after. 

The End.

/sarcastic blogging

Manta's Gift, Timothy Zahn

Way back in 2002, Timothy Zahn wrote Manta's Gift, which begins with a premise familiar to anyone who has seen Avatar (James Cameron, not elemental magic). 

Matt Raimey was 22 when he had his skiing accident, and he was the only tetraplegic crazy enough to accept Project Changeling's offer - to be reborn as a Qanska, the behemoth flying/swimming alien creatures discovered in Jupiter's hurricane winds.

Unknown to Raimey, the project isn't for the purpose of creating new biological treatments for injured people, or even to promote cross-species understanding, but specifically to insert an agent into Qanskan society in order to find out their greatest secret.

I want to start out by saying that I really liked this book, and I really enjoyed the concept.  I need to say that before I start in on the criticisms:

1) The Qanskans are distressingly human.  They have a strict hierarchical society based on tolerable pressures, but despite being TOLD fairly often that they are aliens, they never seem like such - it's the 'bumpy-head' ailment from Star Trek and Star Wars.  Friendships, love, even mentoring relationships all act exactly like they do in mainstream American culture.  I know it's an established way to deal with "alien" cultures when that isn't your real focus, but I really felt that some more effort could have been expended on this, especially given the payout plotline at the end of the book. 

2) If you are 22 years old, and move to a different society, even one where you have to move and speak much differently from normal, even after 8 years, you don't forget your first language and the world you came from, especially if you have people in the back of your mind speaking to you in that language constantly for the first three of those eight years!

If you prefer the new language, that's fine, and if you forget specific terms without having to think hard for them, then ok, but you don't totally forget language and your childhood experiences so thoroughly as the main character did.  I was very taken out of the story when that happened.

3) Maybe I've read too much David Weber, but the hints and teases about the "Five Hundred" and all the things going on back on Mars, Earth, and on the Jupiter space station were a little frustrating.  I would have really liked to have spent more time with the secondary characters, and on the bad guys and their motivations.  I think a contrast between all of that going on, and the totally different conflicts down on/in Jupiter would have been really nifty.  Actually, I think I have read too much David Weber. 

That's all of the critical stuff.

Specific likes:

I actually liked an epilogue for once!  Yay! 

Arbiter Liadof was an awesome bad guy.  I liked her a lot, and really wished we could have gotten more of her.

Farraday and his team were extremely interesting, as was the concept of the Jupiter Prime station and the various projects and turf-wars going on up there as a result of politics and demagoguery.  Again, really wished to see more of that.

I liked the explanation late in the story that revealed the Qanskan reasoning for allowing this "half-breed" birth into their society - it was one of the few times they were shown as having truly alien thoughts and lives.  I liked that they recognized that as a species.

I really liked the central conceit (the secret) of the story.  That was an interesting concept, and one that would be fun to follow up on, especially considering the epilogue.

Overall, a nifty read!  

The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women, Valerie Young

The subtitle of this work is actually a better summary of the contents: "Why Capable People Suffer from the Impostor Syndrome, and How to Thrive in Spite of It."

The book is geared towards women mainly, but the author acknowledges up front that men do have difficulties with this sometimes as well.  There's also acknowledgement of the overlap between Impostor Syndrome and "Highly Sensitive" people (which I still think is an unfortunate name choice).

Valerie goes over what Impostor Syndrome is: that nagging, constant feeling that you're just faking it, and someone eventually will figure out that you're not actually a grownup or very good at this, and call your bluff and send you home in disgrace.

Then she talks about what may cause it:  Sensitivity to other people and to your environment, social conditioning to think that luck or "nice people" caused all of your successes, worry that past achievements are no predictor of future success.

Next up is a summary of all the ways that you are hurting  yourself professionally and emotionally by believing that: you may procrastinate or never finish projects to avoid "failing" on the finished project, you may avoid offers of promotion or of positions that you may actually want because you're afraid someone will find you out, you may help out your competitors to the point that they succeed and you don't because you don't want the stress of competition, you may just live your whole life as a miserable ball of stress. 

All that established, she throws in some CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) style assignments and questions.  Do you really think that you "lucked" your way into your high scores and previous achievements?  Do you really think that your past experiences and successes have nothing to do with how well you'll handle future challenges?  Do you really want to be a miserable ball of stress?

While there's only so much a book can do for me ( I read too quickly for "workbook" style assignments to really work, and would do much better in actually changing habits if this were a class or term-long workshop or seminar) I appreciate the insights, and especially the knowledge that I'm not the only one who feels like they're faking this whole "mature competent grownup" thing. 

Previously Published Review: Bait and Switch, Barbara Ehrenreich

The author's original premise was to illustrate the evils of a common white collar experience. A qualified individual applies for a job, and while accepted, is told (the Switch) that the position applied for is unavailable, but they'd be perfect for this slightly less valuable position over here (part-time vs full time work, high premium health care vs full coverage, and other demeaning offers.) What to do? Take the lesser job and HAVE a job, or wait and hope for another better offer in an increasingly competitive market?

Instead of landing a switched job, Barbara learns that landing ANY job is becoming a long, and often frustrating, helpless, anxious, and increasingly hopeless search. This leads to her new book premise - an even worse "Switch" which profoundly affects the middle class. The reference here is to the growing illusion of available jobs. Current market statistics state a search time of 3 months on average when looking for a job. That search time is based on a reasonably qualified individual, with current and appropriate background and experience.

She wasn't intending to write about long-term unemployment, but it is a valid topic, and well worth attention. So, this book, ironically, is a bait and switch, but one I was glad to see.

Several reviewers have questioned the author's political bias, her religious views, and even her failure to get a job. They cite these factors as reasons why her topic is flawed. I beg pardon, but one's religion and political affiliation are NOT valid or LEGAL employment screenings, and as a journalist and skilled writer, I find it hard to believe her resume and cover letter skills were lacking. I also find it hard to believe that with years of journalistic experience, she would be lacking in people skills necessary to at least gain a toehold in the job counselling market. Lastly, that market is currently one which is posting the most gain in the labour field - it isn't like she's limiting herself to an obscure position.

With all that in her favor, and 5,000 dollars to cushion her search, she is in actually better position than many searchers today. Who, when suddenly laid off, has a cover letter ready, and thousands of dollars earmarked just for a job search? Not many, in today's culture.

Her failure to find a job, despite qualifications, reveals a chronic disorder affecting millions today. The middle class job market no longer values the human element. Their increasing reliance on pseudo-scientific "personality studies" and "aptitude questionaires" are often revealed to be a front for a very specific search. I know, I was a middle manager, and I handed those surveys out for nearly a year. I knew they were worthless, my manager knew they were worthless, but we were looking for people who would take a 9 page survey without question, and nod in agreement when told what their personality was going to be. We wanted sheep, and we selected for it. I didn't like it, but I also didn't want to be on the other end of that interview. I had a job, thank you, and I didn't need the anguish I saw in my interviewees faces. Months later, the stress did cause me to leave, and I then spent 4 months where my full time job was job-hunting.

Barbara very clearly illustrates the damage wrought by these, and other spurious "networking" or "job-counseling" practices, but her story stops short of really penetrating the corporate culture to explain the WHY of these practices. It would be an interesting revelation, but one she was sadly unqualified to make. Understandably - she was unable, like many of us, to get a job.

Perhaps, if she just gives herself enough time, she'll finally make it in. Just like the rest of us don't.

Previously Published Review: On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone, Florence Arlene Falk

The Art of Being a Woman Alone - now there's a subject which needed to be addressed. Women today (and for most of recorded history) have been culturally expected - even driven - to sacrifice themselves for others. More recently, ideals emerged which allowed women to seek their own interests and careers, and in todays world, most women know instinctively that they HAVE to be able to support themselves (and children if they have them) as men are no longer required to support them.
This, understandably, creates pressure.

In our modern drive to have everything, women have lost their Self. By losing one's Self, according to Falk, a person loses the ability to stand alone, to be self-sufficient, to enjoy solitude without being lonely and bereft. In addition, when one's Self is damaged or missing, there is nothing protecting you from psychic damage from friends, lovers, and the world in general.

In many ways, our culture resists the import of a woman who is able to stand alone. If you are valuing your own self, you are selfish - a horrible accusation to make of any girl or mother. If you cultivate your own interests, or enjoy your own company, you are self-absorbed - again, a negative. Falk wants us to take joy in selfishness, as we re-imagine ourselves and make peace with who we truly are. She wishes that more women would take time to be self-absorbed, to glory in the creative, WHOLE person who has been submerged for so long by our society, our relationships, and abuse.

Which brings me to the "almost inspiring." Falk finds it necessary to trace in microscopic detail the failed relationships, parental and peer abuse, and overarching societal pressure which causes modern women to lose their Self. This is an amazing downer in a book intended to inspire. In those pages (which are a majority of the book) there is a passivity - a helplessness in the face of a powerful and malevolent grinding cultural poverty. Comparing this to her stirring call for Self-awareness, I found it difficult when she failed to transfer this individual awareness into culture at large.

One example speaks of a girl, gifted and pretty, from an "academic" hippie family, and the teasing and social abuse she suffered at middle and high school. The girl, now a middle-aged woman, is only now dealing with this pain. Nowhere is it suggested that if the girl had a Self-aware mentor, she could have learned to stand ALONE and to rise above the taunts of her peers. Repeatedly, women and girls in her examples are left with gaping psychic wounds which are bemoaned as evil and spirit-breaking, but with no counter-examples to show HOW, if one is taught to grow into her Self from the start, those wounds could be minimized or avoided.

Much of this comes from the author's own experiences, as late in life she rediscovered herself and fought free of years of living for others. I do applaud women who, at any age, realize that no matter what or who is in your life, a healthy person's focus must be on themselves FIRST. However, I think that a celebration of women's rights to be whole people in themselves should try to show how to achieve that from the start, rather than passively accepting the damage until some midlife "eureka" is reached.

In spite of this, this book is stirring and powerful, and begs for women to accept that we CAN be alone and powerful, we CAN be at peace with our true Selves, and we CAN recover from childhood trauma and the pressures of life. This is an important message for everyone.